Collection: Wetting my whistle

One of the nice things about getting back to LA is seeing friends I haven’t seen in a while. But of everyone I got to hang with, no one made me nearly as happy as my partner in rhyme Christina Pazsitzky. We went back to the old hood, Los Feliz, and caught up on… well whatever.




I’ll spare you the details, but basically we did some eating… but even more drinking.




By the time we got in her car, the tanks were topped off.




And by “topped off” I mean overflowing. (On a side note, notice how loose my pants are—yeah, with all the traveling I’d been doing, I’d pretty much worn them for two weeks)




The thing about LA is, you can’t just run up in anywhere and use their restroom. I mean, you’d have to valet, then get past the rope, maybe have a reservation… it made my situation all the more precarious.




The thing about Christina is, she always comes prepared.
Meet the Travel John.




Apparently Christina had just left a job too and someone had given her a three pack as a going away present. And Christina, being a special snowflake like me, was eager to see one in action.




The directions seemed simple enough…
STEP 1: Make sure the LIQSORB super absorbent pouch is inside the bag. Easy.




Though it didn’t mention it anywhere on the package, I took this as an opportunity to drop trou.




I don’t think Christina was ready.




STEP 2: Press plastic collar firmly onto body, high end in front.
I put the tip of the shriky-dink in and set the blaster on stun.




I don’t think Christina was ready.




STEP 3: Urinate or vomit directly in bag.




Even I wasn’t ready.












Still going…




STEP 4: Wait until liquid turns into biodegradable gel.








STEP 5: Dispose of the bag in a waste receptacle after use.
This required pulling over. And teamwork.




It all happened so fast, it wasn't until we got out of the car that we realized what a bad job I’d done.












Even more disturbing, Christina and I added some steps of our own.
STEP 6: Squeeze LIQSORB pouch from outer housing.








STEP 7: Stomp LIQSORB pouch.












But perhaps most disturbing of all was STEP 8: Smell hands on ride home.




And STEP 9: Hug.





PS—On a side note, I’ve been getting tons of emails lately asking why I deleted some of the comments from the end of the last post. The simple answer is this: Say what you will about me, really, say whatever you like, I asked for it… but I wont have negative comments about my friends. That’s just in poor taste. Thanks for understanding.