COLLECTION: Clean by Any Means
To quote Motely Crue’s The Dirt, “It didn’t go a little something like this—it went exactly like this.”
I was trying to “summer-ize” my apartment: Get the heaters out, put the air-conditioners in, you know the drill…
The only problem is, over the winter, I’d sealed-up one of my windows completely…
After an hour of chipping away at the crap, I still couldn’t get the fucker open…
To make matters worse, when I got in the shower to get cleaned up, the water was out. (yup, one of the many joys of true Chinatown-loft living—that and the drafty windows and constant spitting on the street outside my home)
Hum, what now?
Er, I guess I could…
Um, maybe I should…
What if I…
Really, this is for real. I stood there long enough I felt the need to get my camera and document the moment.
Long enough to start thinking crazy thoughts…
Meet my crazy thoughts:
Alright, I know what you’re thinking: How can you get clean—like that full-on, deep down, every-inch-is-clean, clean with a bathing suit on? You can’t. Don’t get me wrong; I handed by biz, but in lieu of the recent attention the blog’s been getting I think it’s probably best to keep some of my more private bits, er, private.
All done.
Yup, I was pretty pleased with myself until the next day when I spotted this gem in Washington Square Park.
Can anyone say bidet? Don’t test me people, I’ve got the free time…
PS—A special thanks to the lovely Ms Ness who was kind eneugh to hold the camera.
I was trying to “summer-ize” my apartment: Get the heaters out, put the air-conditioners in, you know the drill…
The only problem is, over the winter, I’d sealed-up one of my windows completely…
After an hour of chipping away at the crap, I still couldn’t get the fucker open…
To make matters worse, when I got in the shower to get cleaned up, the water was out. (yup, one of the many joys of true Chinatown-loft living—that and the drafty windows and constant spitting on the street outside my home)
Hum, what now?
Er, I guess I could…
Um, maybe I should…
What if I…
Really, this is for real. I stood there long enough I felt the need to get my camera and document the moment.
Long enough to start thinking crazy thoughts…
Meet my crazy thoughts:
Alright, I know what you’re thinking: How can you get clean—like that full-on, deep down, every-inch-is-clean, clean with a bathing suit on? You can’t. Don’t get me wrong; I handed by biz, but in lieu of the recent attention the blog’s been getting I think it’s probably best to keep some of my more private bits, er, private.
All done.
Yup, I was pretty pleased with myself until the next day when I spotted this gem in Washington Square Park.
Can anyone say bidet? Don’t test me people, I’ve got the free time…
PS—A special thanks to the lovely Ms Ness who was kind eneugh to hold the camera.
66 Comments:
Finally, a new post! I'd figure with all your free time we'd get more posts! But dude, seriously, you have the ugliest toes I've ever seen!
You just lived out one of my fantasies. Damn that was sexy.
you're too hot to be on a blog page. are u a real person? do u have a gf?
Since when did you become shy? Most of your faithful readers already know what the gold member looks like!
PS - I would have thought of the same thing but not have had the gonads to do it - you amaze me with your courage!
Jake, you are too funny! I love it! You so remind me of a lost love...
I can't imagine Erin having as much fun or laughing so much before she met you.
i wish i was in that water. yummy ;)
You are the craziest, most fearless person I want to get to know. Awesome!
keeping your private parts private? What's that bs all about? So much for my cheap thrill. Curse you Jake Bronstein. CURSE YOU!
I guess I should probably stop drinking out of fountains.
And I should stop pissing in them!
You ROCK! I'm totally 100% amused!
How could you do this to us? All they need to do is go back a few blogs and there are your private bits, gold and proud, hanging out of a skin tight nude colored suit, or freezing it's balls off (no pun intended) in the middle of the winter.
Still, I love this post. You look so hot. Thanks for the wonderful posts!
This is great, you are the most consistently original hilarious comedy since the Family Guy. I love it. And please feel free to keep your private bits private, not everyone who reads your blog is a salivating homosexual. (Hi boys! Hand OFF it!!!)
how dare you withhold the private bits!
you know what you're doing.. leaving us foaming at the mouth and wanting to see MORE!
damn i was hoping to see a pic of that hot cock of yours. show it again!
Wow! Another wacky post. You are totally outrageous!!!
Good job getting the Danica Patrick pics showcased at the FHM site while the Indy 500 buzz was going on. OOPS!
I want to marry Jake, or at least give him head.
Wowow spontaneous act! You are hilariously mad! LOL
oh jake please get naked again...
gonads..gonads.gonads..go nutz! we really dont mind seeing your scholong..
it is sort of nice on a friday afternoon.
O.k. duh. I was blinded by lust until now.
I realize now that it's not just the hairy-sexy slight-built-but-hotly-chiseled body splayed liberally in any manner of compromised positions that I have come to love about your blog.
And, no offense, but I often only skim your texts in order to get the general idea of what is going on in some giddy anticipation of what you're going to show me. Now I know it's more than that...
It delights and chills me it's the nasty and smelly elements you embrace. I love that your work integrates the gross and provocative elements we all somehow are confronted with and revels hedonistically on a plane all it's own.
More please.
Wow.
I totally love this post. Made me laugh even though my week has been pretty crappy.
Very sexy, indeed.
Wow Jake, I didn't know you had such a big gay following! You're the man!
Yeah, sounds like you're limp-wristed man's dream! Go get'em tiger!
is this bryant park?
Loves it!
Bryant park it is! Boy you hot. You make me wanna shoop.
gross.
Do you have any idea how many people want to have sex with you? And some of them are women!
Ok, so this was fun... wouldn't be if the police had caught you, would it? Well, at least you got yourself... eh... clean. so I was wondering... whata bout the tattoos? what are they?
So when are the JB Dildos going to be ready? My credit card is panting...
You're totally hot.
Funny as a mo-fo...
Yeah we know all about glitter goldmember...
that was the first post i ever, saw and it scared me... Ahh
Awesome way to get clean fast when your dirty in the city! That totally rocks!!
You're fabulous. What a great idea -- and quality photos too. Nice job.
Wow. That's even better than the gay porn I bought last night!
My name's Jake too, and I endorse this man's tushie.
Ladies Love Cool J Too.... really, I'd have your babies in a heartbeat.
Why is your name in the new issue of FHM if they fired you? And when will that fucking crap rag go away. I bought a subscription for my boyfriend (Sir Humps A Lot) and even he's over it. I think they had a feature on sandwiches in a recent issue. I’m not making this up. I hope that wasn’t your idea.
Dude you totally rock.
That and you're totally hot too.
Keep showing the skin and doing the crazy stuff you do. 'Cause you know we love it.
wow very la dolce vita!!! your such an artist!
u must have been dropped on ur head when u were a child...u r insane and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
Keep it up stud!
what the dilly! nice blog!
what about the bidet thingy? =)
So COOL!
But a butt shot couldn't really be considered too much information these days...
Ah, if only to be that bar of soap! Jake, you're a devilishly sexy and beautiful man. Great photo shoot in the fountain, Ms Ness.
amy thinks Jake's toes are ugly. Hardly. I'd suck each and every one of them. It's the tattoos that are the ugly things. A tattoo on Jake's body is like drawing a moustache on Michelangelo's David. It's best to leave such a work of art unadulterated.
Ha! Gawker loves your cleaning habits :)
OMG, NO YOU DIDN'T!
(sorry for the caps)
As Paris Hilton would say, "That's hot."
Wow, first Page Six, now Gawker... you must be famous.
That was awesome, your posts never fail to deliver!
I just made myself come three times looking at these pictures. And I'm not even sitting down.
I loved your way to keep clean! Here in Rio it's very usual but just for homeless! Maybe i try to do it someday in the summer. Great blog!
w2qwqwq
Dude, ducktape would have done the trick. gluing your windows shut was a bit dramatic dont you think?
hot as per usual you sexy monkeyboy.
And that is why I love Jews like you -
Happy Birthday Mr.Jake! Smooches, Matrix. ;)
sexy for sure!
Hey sexy thing.. i saw you walking down the street in China Town on Saturday! I snapped a pic..wanna see?? I was actually riding one of those double busses and noticed you!! LOL!!!
damn you are a celeb. better watch out for access hollywood. show us your kosher hot dog...
I think Loreal Men will be contacting you soon.
Jake- your f*ckin crazy.
Come on Jake...it's been more than a week! Where is the next installment of goodness?
If there'd been more Jewish boys like you in Atlantic City in the late 70's, I wouldn't have married a goy.
You're awesome Jake! LOL!
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