COLLECTION: Making Something Special

My Mom, like every Mom out there, is an awesome woman. Bright, smart, caring, fun; yup, she’s the whole package. But shopping for her can be a batch. So I was understandable thrilled when, just minutes before mother’s day I found this laying around the FHM office. Actually, in the interest of accuracy, perhaps that last sentence read: I was understandably thrilled when, just minutes before mothers day I WAS laying around the FHM office and found THIS. Whatever. You get the idea.



Now I know what you’re thinking—A Clone-A-Willy Do-it-Yourself Vibrating Dildo Kit for mothers day? Is this guy out of his mind? Obviously I wasn’t going to give her the kit… just the final product. Mom always says best gifts are the ones I make myself. And besides, look what it says right on the packaging.



First things first; I dumped out the package, surveyed the contents and started in on the directions.



Apparently if you’re dipping your ding-dong in plaster, you’re in good company; Hollywood stars are doing it too. Crazy.



Step One: Cut the tube to fit and cover the end with tape so as not to hurt yourself. So far so good.



Step Two: Here’s where things start to get complicated. I’ll just let you read it for yourself.



Step Three: Notice all the warnings about timing? Yeah, well, maybe Martha Steward could get the water to the right temp, mix the batter, pour it in the tube and jam her weenie in there in under two-minutes, but I’m not that good in the kitchen.



Step Four: Insertion. With all the warnings stressing me out, keeping the thing up was proving to be a bit of a challenge.



At a minute forty-five I started trying to jam my quickly softening wand into the quickly hardening concoction.



It was a no go.



Seeing as she is my mother and all, I went to the local toy store for another kit. Sadly, they didn’t carry it.



Undeterred, I went to the art supply place. Though “dick multiplier” wasn’t anywhere on their directory, I found what I thought was a suitable replacement.



Until I opened the box and read the instructions. Then I was deterred.



Great. $40, 40 minutes after I’d begun and all I had to show for it was some kind of plug.



I’m not going to lie, this puts me in a bit of jam. Showing-up empty handed on mother’s day is simply unexcitable. Don’t worry about me though, I’m sure I’ll figure something out (can anyone say Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery—it’s a good place to start)…



…But this is far done. I’ll be calling Clone-A-Bone this week for replacement parts and rest assured I’ll let you know what happens when I do. In the meantime, happy mothers day to all.




PS—A special thanks to Trixy Beldam, a long time commentor on my posts. Though I’ve never met her, we were emailing the other day when I got a strange call from the Bravo Network. Apparently their planning a series called Battle of the Network Reality Stars and wanted me to take part. They said Richard Hatch and Amorosa were already signed up. I’m embarrassed to say, but I was actually considering doing it, until Trixy pointed something out.

“You don’t want to be on a show called BONeRs!”
No, you’re right. I don’t want to be on a show called BONeRs. Thanks.