COLLECTION: Making a Name for Yourself

So I get back from Russia, sit down at my computer and… wait a minute, this fucking thing didn’t update while was away. That’s bullshit. Worse still, I only got one email about it and it came in like yesterday. What gives? I thought you guys had my back. Anyway, in honor of Russia being home of the Lomo camera, I shot mostly film while I was there—meaning, it’ll be a while before I get anything up about it. Obviously that’s no good, I’ve got to put something up, it’s been over a week. And that’s where Jon Mathews enters the story.

I have absolutely no idea who Jon Mathews is, except to say, the only other non-work-related email I got while I was gone came from Jon. Jon wanted advice on how a regular person might go about becoming famous. My response to him was simple, “How the hell should I know?!?” But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I hadn’t been hasty in my answer. I’m a bright guy… if anyone can crack the code, it’s me. And as I’m always eager to help a reader, I decided to give it a go.

The way I see it, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Want to see your name on the walk of fame? Maybe I’m just jet-lagged, but it shouldn’t be that hard. Here, I’ve even made you a guide.



STEP 1: Go to Staples—without a doubt, the best place to start any project.




STEP 2: Find a stencil. I went with the two inchers, but any size will do.




STEP 3: Go to where the stars like you hang out—Los Angeles.




If you can, get some sleep on the plane, you’re going to need it. This shouldn’t be all that difficult if, for example, you just flew in from St. Petersburg the day before…




…but know that you’ll be missing out on some pretty decent scenery along the way.




STEP 4: A local hardware store will provide the rest of the supplies you’ll be needing.




STEP 5: Find a blank star on The Walk of Fame. Not this one, it’s already taken.




Same goes for this one.




And this one.




Here we go.




STEP 6: Before committing to a star, be sure it’s one that’s got suitable neighbors. The one I found is next to Woody Woodpecker, not as high-end as say a Brando…




…but far enough from David Spade that no one should get the wrong idea.




STEP 7: Now it’s time to apply your stencil. Be sure to orient it properly.
THIS IS WRONG! (this would make you some sort of anti-star)




THIS IS RIGHT!




Oops, I almost forgot: You’re going to need to rent a car as LA is a driving town. Nothing too conspicuous though, I recommend a dark color—remember, you are here to commit a crime.




STEP 8: Apply paint.




STEP 9: Remove and voila….




You’re now ready to hump a Hilton or whatever else it was you had in mind. If anyone gives you trouble at the door, simply refer them to your star.




Well, that’s it for now. Gotta run. Really, I hear the po-po. Anyway, in the days ahead I’ll be trying to make up for lost time and as I catch up on my sleep, one or two of them might even be lucid. Enjoy.